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Disclaimer
Following jokes are for laugh ONLY and not intended to point to any particular relationship or gender. You have been warned!
In many cases, words of wife / husband can be switched. If you don't like, simply press the BACK button of your browser
Well a friend of mine seems to be very fascinated by his "marriage" and "wife". Here are some of his thoughts/experiences/collections:
- Recently spotted an older gentleman wearing a T-Shirt with the wording "I don't need to Google any thing. My wife knows everything.
- Marriage
- is a romantic story, in which hero dies in the first chapter;
- is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
- Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without...but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
- "Honey," said husband to his wife
, "I invited a friend home for supper."
Wife:
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking
a fancy meal!"
Husband: "I know all that."
Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
Husband: "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.
- Many times, a man owes his success to his first wife and his second
wife to his success.
- What's the difference between a man and a parrot? You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
- How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- A boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
- If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry!
- There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late!"
- A robber robs a bank and demands money. After collecting everything, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob
this bank?". The man replied, "yes, I did". The robber shot him instantly. The robber then turned to a couple standing next to the
dead body and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank". The man replied, "No sir, I did not but my
wife did".
- A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his
wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,Pumpkin, etc. He was
impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in
the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your
wife those pet names. His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her
name about ten years ago."
- Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
- Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
- A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst
into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to
stick careful...careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!!!
The salt!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly
replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
- Why don't generally men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
- Always a wife has the last word in any argument. Anything a
husband says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
- Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can
there be greater than this one"?
- A husband and wife are
getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror
taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face
is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make
me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "
Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
- Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and please so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you.
- Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.
- Wife: For my upcoming anniversary, I want something shiny that goes
from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." The next days, the husband bought her a scale.
- A husband brings his wife a toaster oven.
The next day, the wife tries it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed
out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" the husband
shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" the wife cried,
searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's
manual is burnt to a crisp."
- Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't
let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My
wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What
makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- Me and my wife always hold hands. If I let it go, she shops.
- My wife was driving the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "
Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
- A man came home one day and found car in the dining room. He yelled, "How did you get the car in here?" The wife
replied, "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
- A wife to her husband, "The car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor".
The husband asked where the car was, and the wife told him it was in the lake.
- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
- A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find
such a man!
- When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
- Married man live longer than a single man, but married man are lot more willing to die!
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
- When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
- In the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife listens. In the second year, the wife speaks and the husband listens. In the third year, they
both speak and the neighbors listen.
- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better
than I like mine."
- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a
moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollar and beat me half to death."
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